‘I’m offered sex as a favour because I’m disabled’

Holly says positive relationships for disabled people need better representation

BBC News A woman is looking at the camera. She is wearing black framed glasses and is wearing a pink blush lipstick. Her brown hair is untied and frames her face, she has two blonde streaks at the front. She is wearing a khaki green t-shirt and in the background there are framed photographs. They are slightly blurred as the camera focus is on the woman. — Holly says positive relationships for disabled people need better representation

Holly was just 16 years old when someone asked her if she could have sex because she was disabled.

She has been asked many other questions over the years, such as if she “can have rough sex” or if it needs to be in a wheelchair.

“People think they’re doing you a favour, almost like a sacrifice. The worst thing is I’m not surprised or offended anymore.”

Holly, now 26, has chronic pain and hypermobility syndrome and is one of a number of disabled women who have spoken out to challenge negative stereotypes and stigma when it comes to dating and relationships.

Doctor assumed disabled woman did not have sex

Actress breaking the taboo of sex and disability

Holly Greader said it was important that happy relationships for those who were disabled were represented.

She started dating her now husband James when she was a teenager, and has been with him for nine years, getting married earlier this year.

“Often in the media disabled people have miserable lives, we’re just a sad story,” she said.

She added she has always felt supported by him, but felt stereotyped by others.

“I was told by people when we first moved in together, that if my health declines he’d leave me.

“For being a burden or too much to handle.”

Holly got married to James in September and says he has always supported her with her health

RAM Photography & Film Holly and James on their wedding day — Holly got married to James in September and says he has always supported her with her health

She said there were assumptions people made about her in school, which some asked to her face.

“When it comes to wheelchair users, it’s always without a doubt almost the first question, can that person have sex?”

She said the boys in her class at school would ask personal and intrusive questions.

“I got asked things like, can you only have sex in a wheelchair? Will your joints dislocate? If I wanted to have rough sex with you, would I be able too?”

Holly said people have also messaged her on social media about sex, an offer she was often made to feel she should be “lucky” for.

Holly would like to see better positive representation in the media, citing that the character Isaac Goodwin in the programme Sex Education was the only good example she has been aware of recently.

‘How do you have sex?’

Nicola Thomas, 38, from Caerphilly is registered blind.

She said: “One of the more common things people will ask is, how do you have sex? It kind of takes your breath back, it’s such an invasive and personal question.”

Nicola has an auto immune disease – Neuromyelitis Optica – she lost her sight in one eye 15 years ago and the other five years ago.

“A lot of people see barriers with blindness and I’m definitely one to break those down.”

Nicola’s hobbies include sailing, paddleboarding and travelling, her next trip is to Hong Kong.

Nicola and her boyfriend Paul, love traveling the world together

Nicola Thomas A man and woman kissing on a street in east Asia. They are both holding canes as they have visual impairments. The man is wearing blue jeans and a salmon pink shirt, the woman is wearing a black top and a black and white polka dot skirt. — Nicola and her boyfriend Paul, love traveling the world together

Nicola had a boyfriend when she lost her sight but the relationship broke down.

“I was treated like a burden, people would say you can’t be a carer for her, but I didn’t need a carer.”

She now has a boyfriend who is also visually impaired.

“Even though we’re both blind, we’ll navigate our way round a city, or go on a date on our own. Nothing holds us back.”

Nicola also said she feels stereotyped when people show an interest in her.

“People message on social media asking for dates, their attention shifts or acts differently when I tell them I’m blind.”

“You’re definitely treated like they’re doing you a favour. It puts you off instantly.”

Nicola added: “People do pigeon hole us. I want to breakdown that stereotype, I have a full and happy life.”

“When you’re disabled you’re well acquainted with poverty but it’s more than a monetary value, a healthy relationship is definitely a poverty.”

A woman in a wheelchair, smiling at the camera. She is wearing a black top with a black and red skirt in a houndstooth pattern. There are stairs behind her with the banisters painted orange. — “When you’re disabled you’re well acquainted with poverty but it’s more than a monetary value, a healthy relationship is definitely a poverty.”

Kat Watkins said disabled people have a right to explore their sexual identity and develop relationships just like anybody else.

She is the access to politics project officer for Disability Wales.

“Why are sex and relationships such a taboo for disabled people? There is much more to us than just being able to eat and having a roof over our heads.”

“Living your life and enjoying yourself that’s just part of life, and it doesn’t get highlighted enough for people with disabilities.”

Kat said hearing examples of how people message disabled women was “sadly normalised.”

She said adaptable sex toys and aids can help give people confidence and would like to see them on more mainstream sex sites and outlets.

“You’ve got to be comfortable with yourself and understand your body, so you can tell others how it works. Self love is also really important.”

For more on this story, watch Wales Live on BBC iPlayer.